my virgin entry
I couldn't start a blog and not put anything in it. I'm hoping to become inspired and eventually start filling it with some poetry, and maybe some short stories, but for the time being I'll probably just randomly ramble.
Yeah, try saying that three times fast when you're drunk.
Right now I'm just sitting here trying not to think about what Hub's doing - and it's not working. He's out with his best friend at the friend's "stag do." After 5 years of marriage, this is the first time he's ever gone out to something like this. Of course, the fact that we spent our first 4 years of marriage in America had something to do with that. He didn't exactly have friends out there - although he could have if he had made more of an effort. But that's beside the point. He only rarely went out without me back then, and when he did, he was with my family, so I didn't exactly have to worry about it. But Hub's told me all the horror stories about what he and his friends used to do together, and that's why I'm worried.
And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I'm being a little bit selfish too. I really tried not to let it show before he left, but I really didn't want him to go. I don't like the idea of him being out without me. Of course, that's a very subjective point of view, because I don't like being out without him. When we lived in America, I very rarely went out without him (I can count on one hand all the times, in 4 years, that I went out without him), and even then it was only because we couldn't get a babysitter so that we could go together. I simply find that I enjoy myself more when I'm with him than I do when I'm not.
But saying all that, my self esteem issues come into play here as well. I'm afraid that he's going to be out with his friends, lamenting his best friend's loss of freedom, seeing what he could have had if he hadn't married me, and go for it. He always tells me that the one thing he'd never do to me is cheat on me, but I still worry. Not because I don't trust him, but because I realize that he could have done so much better than me. I've constantly asked myself why he married me. I honestly don't know what he sees in me that would make him marry me in the first place, let alone stay married to me for so long. And the fact that I've asked him several times what made him fall in love with me and he can't answer me doesn't help any. If asked, I could give a long list of the reasons I fell in love with him - and why I'm still in love with him. But I've asked him before - when I was feeling especially low and needed some reassurance - and he couldn't even tell me one thing that made him fall in love with me. But he sits there and tells me that he loves me more now than he did when we first met.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a 28 year old woman who's had 4 children and looks it. I weigh the same as I did when I was in high school, and yet I look like I weigh at least 50 pounds more. I have skin that sags in places that it shouldn't - at least not yet! My hair - on a good day - sticks out in every direction at least 8 inches. My skin looks like a freaking sponge you can see the pores so badly. And that's just from the neck up. From the neck down you'd swear I was the sole surviving Freddy Kruger victim (stretch marks).
So how could anybody blame me for worrying about Hub while he's out at a "stag do?" If I were him, I'd be highly tempted by what I saw before me. I'm not naive, I know what goes on at these things. When I asked him this afternoon "So you're going to be watching half naked women all night, huh?" he said no - come on! What kind of idiot does he take me for?! I'm not a complete moron, I know that there's going to be some half naked woman somewhere. And I'm sure that he's going to be tempted by it. The problem is, does he have the inner strength to resist that temptation? I honestly don't know, because we've never been in this situation before. But I have to say that I really would rather we not find out the hard way.
Why do I find it so hard to keep secrets from my 7 year old daughter? I bought her some pencils last night that you can personalize with your name. So I was going to surprise her by doing them for her (she can't spell very well just yet). The problem is that she went into the cupboard that I have hidden them in, and I told her to get out. She wanted to know why, and I told her that I have a surprise in there for her, but I have to do something to it before I can give it to her. She's been sitting here across the table from me trying to get me to give her a hint, and I'm finding it harder and harder not to just get them out and show them to her. Is it the mother in me that wants to spoil her that's making it so hard? Because honestly, I would if I could. But with 4 kids in the house, it's damn near impossible to spoil any of them. I feel guilty sometimes, because they ask for this, that, and the other thing - sometimes even very minor things - and most of the time I have to say "no" because we just can't afford it. So sometimes something as minor as a pack of pencils can become a huge deal. Especially when it's something like this - something that can be just hers.
*sigh* That kid sure as hell can eat! She had a bowl of cereal with her sisters for dinner (apparently they were in the mood for breakfast for dinner) and now she's bugging me to make her something else to eat. So I guess I better just shut the hell up and feed her so she can shut the hell up! lol
Yeah, try saying that three times fast when you're drunk.
Right now I'm just sitting here trying not to think about what Hub's doing - and it's not working. He's out with his best friend at the friend's "stag do." After 5 years of marriage, this is the first time he's ever gone out to something like this. Of course, the fact that we spent our first 4 years of marriage in America had something to do with that. He didn't exactly have friends out there - although he could have if he had made more of an effort. But that's beside the point. He only rarely went out without me back then, and when he did, he was with my family, so I didn't exactly have to worry about it. But Hub's told me all the horror stories about what he and his friends used to do together, and that's why I'm worried.
And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I'm being a little bit selfish too. I really tried not to let it show before he left, but I really didn't want him to go. I don't like the idea of him being out without me. Of course, that's a very subjective point of view, because I don't like being out without him. When we lived in America, I very rarely went out without him (I can count on one hand all the times, in 4 years, that I went out without him), and even then it was only because we couldn't get a babysitter so that we could go together. I simply find that I enjoy myself more when I'm with him than I do when I'm not.
But saying all that, my self esteem issues come into play here as well. I'm afraid that he's going to be out with his friends, lamenting his best friend's loss of freedom, seeing what he could have had if he hadn't married me, and go for it. He always tells me that the one thing he'd never do to me is cheat on me, but I still worry. Not because I don't trust him, but because I realize that he could have done so much better than me. I've constantly asked myself why he married me. I honestly don't know what he sees in me that would make him marry me in the first place, let alone stay married to me for so long. And the fact that I've asked him several times what made him fall in love with me and he can't answer me doesn't help any. If asked, I could give a long list of the reasons I fell in love with him - and why I'm still in love with him. But I've asked him before - when I was feeling especially low and needed some reassurance - and he couldn't even tell me one thing that made him fall in love with me. But he sits there and tells me that he loves me more now than he did when we first met.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a 28 year old woman who's had 4 children and looks it. I weigh the same as I did when I was in high school, and yet I look like I weigh at least 50 pounds more. I have skin that sags in places that it shouldn't - at least not yet! My hair - on a good day - sticks out in every direction at least 8 inches. My skin looks like a freaking sponge you can see the pores so badly. And that's just from the neck up. From the neck down you'd swear I was the sole surviving Freddy Kruger victim (stretch marks).
So how could anybody blame me for worrying about Hub while he's out at a "stag do?" If I were him, I'd be highly tempted by what I saw before me. I'm not naive, I know what goes on at these things. When I asked him this afternoon "So you're going to be watching half naked women all night, huh?" he said no - come on! What kind of idiot does he take me for?! I'm not a complete moron, I know that there's going to be some half naked woman somewhere. And I'm sure that he's going to be tempted by it. The problem is, does he have the inner strength to resist that temptation? I honestly don't know, because we've never been in this situation before. But I have to say that I really would rather we not find out the hard way.
Why do I find it so hard to keep secrets from my 7 year old daughter? I bought her some pencils last night that you can personalize with your name. So I was going to surprise her by doing them for her (she can't spell very well just yet). The problem is that she went into the cupboard that I have hidden them in, and I told her to get out. She wanted to know why, and I told her that I have a surprise in there for her, but I have to do something to it before I can give it to her. She's been sitting here across the table from me trying to get me to give her a hint, and I'm finding it harder and harder not to just get them out and show them to her. Is it the mother in me that wants to spoil her that's making it so hard? Because honestly, I would if I could. But with 4 kids in the house, it's damn near impossible to spoil any of them. I feel guilty sometimes, because they ask for this, that, and the other thing - sometimes even very minor things - and most of the time I have to say "no" because we just can't afford it. So sometimes something as minor as a pack of pencils can become a huge deal. Especially when it's something like this - something that can be just hers.
*sigh* That kid sure as hell can eat! She had a bowl of cereal with her sisters for dinner (apparently they were in the mood for breakfast for dinner) and now she's bugging me to make her something else to eat. So I guess I better just shut the hell up and feed her so she can shut the hell up! lol
posted by nukkingphutz at 9:18 pm
2 Comments:
Just a note - something crazy happened with the time. It was actually 9:something p.m. when I posted the first entry.
ne'er mind... I figured out how to edit the post and fixed it myself.
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