turn this thing off!!!
I wish I could turn my mind off. No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what Hub might or might not be doing right now. He had said he would probably leave the "do" at midnight. Obviously that's not true, because it's almost 1 a.m.
I've been bouncing around the 'net for a while, trying in vain to turn off my brain, and the duality of life seemed to just jump up and slap me in the face. I seem to be one person in one situation, another in a different situation, and so on and so forth. And none of it is really a lie - I am all of those people all at once. But I feel as if I can't show all of me all of the time.
I'm the same way in "real" life, though. Things go through my mind that I wish I could have the courage to say or do, but something stops me. Kim told me the day after Hub and I got married that the only piece of advice she'd give me was to be a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Comparing me to his mother, Hub thinks I am a chef in the kitchen. But that other part is what I have trouble with. All these things go through my mind, things I would love to say or do to him that I know he'd just love. But something stops me.
And that's only one example. I could go on and on and on for days on end, thinking of things I wish I had the courage to do but just don't.
Hell, I haven't had the courage to tell Hayley that there's no way in hell she's ever getting Chloe on her own ever again. Of course, part of that has to do with my friendship with her mother. I don't want to say or do something to jeapordize the only friend I have in this country. It might not be much, but it's all I have. Of course, now that I'm online again I can start talking to Liz more, but I'm never going to know when I can and when I can't. And once Hub starts his classes, I won't be able to sit here in the living room and be online - which means I won't be able to be online much at all. Because there's no way in hell I'm going to leave Chloe in this room by herself. I'll come back in here and find her hanging from the ceiling or something.
I feel like I'm having one long anxiety attack, and it's driving me insane. I wish I had some booze in the house, cuz I'd just get myself drunk and not worry about anything anymore. That was one of the nice things about being home all the time when I first met hub. I was a single mother, unemployed, and living on my own. Booze was cheap enough when you knew where to shop (and believe you me, I did), so I ended up drunk every night. I was having a ball. I'd put the girls to bed, have some dinner, take a shower, boot up the puter and get myself drunk. I'd always end up in the same chat room and I would be the life of the party. I'd say and things that I wouldn't have the nerve to say when I was sober. But it was okay, because I was drunk. I had an excuse that anybody would believe.
It's just that I feel like I don't have the courage to be myself all of the time. I can be part of myself part of the time, but I can't let all of me show all of the time.
That's really pathetic, isn't it?
I've been bouncing around the 'net for a while, trying in vain to turn off my brain, and the duality of life seemed to just jump up and slap me in the face. I seem to be one person in one situation, another in a different situation, and so on and so forth. And none of it is really a lie - I am all of those people all at once. But I feel as if I can't show all of me all of the time.
I'm the same way in "real" life, though. Things go through my mind that I wish I could have the courage to say or do, but something stops me. Kim told me the day after Hub and I got married that the only piece of advice she'd give me was to be a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Comparing me to his mother, Hub thinks I am a chef in the kitchen. But that other part is what I have trouble with. All these things go through my mind, things I would love to say or do to him that I know he'd just love. But something stops me.
And that's only one example. I could go on and on and on for days on end, thinking of things I wish I had the courage to do but just don't.
Hell, I haven't had the courage to tell Hayley that there's no way in hell she's ever getting Chloe on her own ever again. Of course, part of that has to do with my friendship with her mother. I don't want to say or do something to jeapordize the only friend I have in this country. It might not be much, but it's all I have. Of course, now that I'm online again I can start talking to Liz more, but I'm never going to know when I can and when I can't. And once Hub starts his classes, I won't be able to sit here in the living room and be online - which means I won't be able to be online much at all. Because there's no way in hell I'm going to leave Chloe in this room by herself. I'll come back in here and find her hanging from the ceiling or something.
I feel like I'm having one long anxiety attack, and it's driving me insane. I wish I had some booze in the house, cuz I'd just get myself drunk and not worry about anything anymore. That was one of the nice things about being home all the time when I first met hub. I was a single mother, unemployed, and living on my own. Booze was cheap enough when you knew where to shop (and believe you me, I did), so I ended up drunk every night. I was having a ball. I'd put the girls to bed, have some dinner, take a shower, boot up the puter and get myself drunk. I'd always end up in the same chat room and I would be the life of the party. I'd say and things that I wouldn't have the nerve to say when I was sober. But it was okay, because I was drunk. I had an excuse that anybody would believe.
It's just that I feel like I don't have the courage to be myself all of the time. I can be part of myself part of the time, but I can't let all of me show all of the time.
That's really pathetic, isn't it?
posted by nukkingphutz at 1:05 am
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