utter terror
That's what I'm feeling right now. As a matter of fact, that's what I've been feeling ever since I started trying to ring Hub and found his phone was switched off.
It has now been over 29 hours since I last saw my husband - the love of my life, my sun, my moon, my sea and my stars. My life and my breath.
I called the police this afternoon and filled out a missing person's report. I've been back and forth on the phone with Paul. Nobody's seen Hub since 2 a.m., and it looks like Paul was the last one to speak to him.
It's looking more and more like I'm either a widow or a divorcee. Either way, he's left me.
#2 child asked me a few minutes ago if I had had a sad day today. I said yes, but then I began thinking about it. I honestly think I have had the saddest day of my life. Losing my grandfather wasn't as sad as this - partly because he was old, and I knew he wasn't going to last forever. But Blake's only 27, and we've only been married for 5 years. Long enough to know each other well, but it's been a short enough time that we were still able to have fun together. Just Friday night we went grocery shopping together - not exactly the most glamorous thing to do together, but we always manage to have fun, no matter what it is we're doing.
I'm sitting here on the couch, wearing his hooded sweatshirt (doused in his cologne), feeling like the weight of the world has settled upon the middle of my chest - where my heart used to be. Because honestly, my heart is gone. Whether he's left me for someone else or he's left me for another plane of existence, my heart is gone. He took it with him when he left the house. I'll never get it back.
I've thrown the deadbolt on the door so that if he is alive and well and does decide to come home tonight, I'll know about it. I also know that I can't sleep in that big bed alone. Not when I don't know where he is or if he's even alive any more.
I truly believed that when we got married, most of my adult life would be spent more happy than not. I never once believed something like this would happen to me.
I keep sitting here thinking "this can't be happening to me." "It's got to be a dream - a horrible nightmare - and I'm going to wake up soon and find him asleep in the bed next to me."
But it's not, is it? And I'm not, am I?
It has now been over 29 hours since I last saw my husband - the love of my life, my sun, my moon, my sea and my stars. My life and my breath.
I called the police this afternoon and filled out a missing person's report. I've been back and forth on the phone with Paul. Nobody's seen Hub since 2 a.m., and it looks like Paul was the last one to speak to him.
It's looking more and more like I'm either a widow or a divorcee. Either way, he's left me.
#2 child asked me a few minutes ago if I had had a sad day today. I said yes, but then I began thinking about it. I honestly think I have had the saddest day of my life. Losing my grandfather wasn't as sad as this - partly because he was old, and I knew he wasn't going to last forever. But Blake's only 27, and we've only been married for 5 years. Long enough to know each other well, but it's been a short enough time that we were still able to have fun together. Just Friday night we went grocery shopping together - not exactly the most glamorous thing to do together, but we always manage to have fun, no matter what it is we're doing.
I'm sitting here on the couch, wearing his hooded sweatshirt (doused in his cologne), feeling like the weight of the world has settled upon the middle of my chest - where my heart used to be. Because honestly, my heart is gone. Whether he's left me for someone else or he's left me for another plane of existence, my heart is gone. He took it with him when he left the house. I'll never get it back.
I've thrown the deadbolt on the door so that if he is alive and well and does decide to come home tonight, I'll know about it. I also know that I can't sleep in that big bed alone. Not when I don't know where he is or if he's even alive any more.
I truly believed that when we got married, most of my adult life would be spent more happy than not. I never once believed something like this would happen to me.
I keep sitting here thinking "this can't be happening to me." "It's got to be a dream - a horrible nightmare - and I'm going to wake up soon and find him asleep in the bed next to me."
But it's not, is it? And I'm not, am I?
posted by nukkingphutz at 9:06 pm
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