ramifications
I have been thinking about the ramifications of this past weekend, since I certainly can't think about much else.
And I've made a few realizations.
When I first married Hub, I knew that I loved him but certainly never thought that I would love him as much as I had loved a few of my exes. There was one in particular that, at the time, I couldn't get out of my head even though I knew there would be no future with him. I wouldn't say that I rushed into marrying Hub, but I just never thought that any love between the two of us could be as strong as what I had felt before.
I was wrong.
Not knowing where Hub was over the weekend, and fearing the worst, made me realize just how much I really do love him. I've never doubted my love for him, but I didn't realize just how deeply it went. I never thought I'd say this, but I really don't think I can live without him. Oh, I could survive. I could go on day to day doing what I needed to do, but that would be existing, not living. There would be no life for me without him. If anything ever happened to him, a part of me would die.
Don't get me wrong - this is a good thing. But I'm just sorry that it took something this serious to make me realize just how much I love him. I had said something similar to him last year, when he had threatened to leave me because of my mother (and living with her made it only worse), but immediately after saying it, I thought I'd only said it out of desperation.
I guess not.
I've also realized that while I may trust him, I don't trust Fate. I'm going to worry every time he walks out that door without me. Thankfully he did go and buy himself a new SIM card yesterday. He warned me that he will have to turn his phone off while he's actually in class, but at least I can always leave him a message. (And I had pretty much figured he'd have to either turn it off or just not answer it in class anyway.) I was afraid for him to leave yesterday, even though I knew it was important. I didn't want to stop him going, but I did want him to realize that I was going to be a Nervous Nelly until he either phoned or came home. And of course since he didn't phone, Nervous Nelly turned into Panicked Patty.
I'm glad that I did come to these realizations, but I'm sorry that it took something this terrifying for me to reach them.
discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me
And I've made a few realizations.
When I first married Hub, I knew that I loved him but certainly never thought that I would love him as much as I had loved a few of my exes. There was one in particular that, at the time, I couldn't get out of my head even though I knew there would be no future with him. I wouldn't say that I rushed into marrying Hub, but I just never thought that any love between the two of us could be as strong as what I had felt before.
I was wrong.
Not knowing where Hub was over the weekend, and fearing the worst, made me realize just how much I really do love him. I've never doubted my love for him, but I didn't realize just how deeply it went. I never thought I'd say this, but I really don't think I can live without him. Oh, I could survive. I could go on day to day doing what I needed to do, but that would be existing, not living. There would be no life for me without him. If anything ever happened to him, a part of me would die.
Don't get me wrong - this is a good thing. But I'm just sorry that it took something this serious to make me realize just how much I love him. I had said something similar to him last year, when he had threatened to leave me because of my mother (and living with her made it only worse), but immediately after saying it, I thought I'd only said it out of desperation.
I guess not.
I've also realized that while I may trust him, I don't trust Fate. I'm going to worry every time he walks out that door without me. Thankfully he did go and buy himself a new SIM card yesterday. He warned me that he will have to turn his phone off while he's actually in class, but at least I can always leave him a message. (And I had pretty much figured he'd have to either turn it off or just not answer it in class anyway.) I was afraid for him to leave yesterday, even though I knew it was important. I didn't want to stop him going, but I did want him to realize that I was going to be a Nervous Nelly until he either phoned or came home. And of course since he didn't phone, Nervous Nelly turned into Panicked Patty.
I'm glad that I did come to these realizations, but I'm sorry that it took something this terrifying for me to reach them.
discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me
posted by nukkingphutz at 11:23 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home