whiny assed me
As glad as I am to have him home, Hub still gets on my nerves sometimes.
I think I've barely spent a half an hour in the same room with him all day. All morning he was, of course, in bed. He woke up about noonish, went to the toilet and went right back in the bedroom. I was busy with #4 child, feeding her lunch and putting her down for her nap. Then I finally decided it was time to clean the kitchen. I hadn't really cleaned it since Saturday night. Sunday and Monday I was just too drained from the hell I was going through. And then yesterday I took #4 child shopping. So today was IT. Besides, I was sick and tired of looking at that floor. It was absolutely disgusting. So I didn't see him again until I decided to try and lay down for a while. Staying up until almost 1 a.m. chatting with my sister wasn't such a good idea. But we don't get to chat all that often, and she IS 6,000 miles away!
Hub's sister came over about 2:30 - and I still hadn't gotten to sleep. So I figured fuck it and just got up. I was going to have to leave soon to pick up the kids from school. Hub sure as hell wasn't going to do it.
After we got home, he barely spent 10 minutes in the living room with us before he went and hid in the bedroom again.
He didn't come out again until about a half hour ago, after I'd drawn him a bath. (Yeah, with crayons. lol) I think he might have sat with me for 5 minutes before getting in the bath.
I am so sick and tired of doing everything around here and not getting anything in the way of appreciation for it. I'm not asking for a medal or anything. But a simple thank you would be fucking nice.
Not to mention that, more often than not, I feel more lonely than I did when I was a single mother. At least then, there was a reason for me to be alone. And to be honest, after the experience of living in a homeless shelter for nearly two years, being alone was something I relished. Putting the kids to bed and having the apartment all to myself, in peace and quiet, was wonderful. But there are times when I wish he'd just stay in the same room with me for a while. We don't have to do anything. We don't have to have long talks about this, that, or the other thing - I just want him to be there. I just want to feel like a wife. Because lately, I feel like a caretaker and nothing more. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I take care of his children and I clean his house. He does nothing. He lives his life while mine revolves around what he and the children need. What I want and need counts for nothing. At least that's the way it feels sometimes.
He did say earlier - earnestly - that he loved me. I told him honestly, "you don't act like it." And he doesn't. That's WHY the first thing I thought of when he went missing was that he'd left me for another woman. If he ACTED like he loved me more often, then maybe I wouldn't doubt him so much. I WANT to believe that he loves me. Who wouldn't? I WANT to feel secure with him and with our marriage. But the way he treats me, I just can't.
But he just doesn't seem to understand that.
I think I've barely spent a half an hour in the same room with him all day. All morning he was, of course, in bed. He woke up about noonish, went to the toilet and went right back in the bedroom. I was busy with #4 child, feeding her lunch and putting her down for her nap. Then I finally decided it was time to clean the kitchen. I hadn't really cleaned it since Saturday night. Sunday and Monday I was just too drained from the hell I was going through. And then yesterday I took #4 child shopping. So today was IT. Besides, I was sick and tired of looking at that floor. It was absolutely disgusting. So I didn't see him again until I decided to try and lay down for a while. Staying up until almost 1 a.m. chatting with my sister wasn't such a good idea. But we don't get to chat all that often, and she IS 6,000 miles away!
Hub's sister came over about 2:30 - and I still hadn't gotten to sleep. So I figured fuck it and just got up. I was going to have to leave soon to pick up the kids from school. Hub sure as hell wasn't going to do it.
After we got home, he barely spent 10 minutes in the living room with us before he went and hid in the bedroom again.
He didn't come out again until about a half hour ago, after I'd drawn him a bath. (Yeah, with crayons. lol) I think he might have sat with me for 5 minutes before getting in the bath.
I am so sick and tired of doing everything around here and not getting anything in the way of appreciation for it. I'm not asking for a medal or anything. But a simple thank you would be fucking nice.
Not to mention that, more often than not, I feel more lonely than I did when I was a single mother. At least then, there was a reason for me to be alone. And to be honest, after the experience of living in a homeless shelter for nearly two years, being alone was something I relished. Putting the kids to bed and having the apartment all to myself, in peace and quiet, was wonderful. But there are times when I wish he'd just stay in the same room with me for a while. We don't have to do anything. We don't have to have long talks about this, that, or the other thing - I just want him to be there. I just want to feel like a wife. Because lately, I feel like a caretaker and nothing more. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I take care of his children and I clean his house. He does nothing. He lives his life while mine revolves around what he and the children need. What I want and need counts for nothing. At least that's the way it feels sometimes.
He did say earlier - earnestly - that he loved me. I told him honestly, "you don't act like it." And he doesn't. That's WHY the first thing I thought of when he went missing was that he'd left me for another woman. If he ACTED like he loved me more often, then maybe I wouldn't doubt him so much. I WANT to believe that he loves me. Who wouldn't? I WANT to feel secure with him and with our marriage. But the way he treats me, I just can't.
But he just doesn't seem to understand that.
posted by nukkingphutz at 10:29 pm
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