too much to deal with
Why do we have to deal with everything all at once? Why can't these things happen one at a time?
Thursday night Hub came home and informed me that after meeting with his student advisor for like an hour, he'd been offered an internship with him and the advisor wanted him to go to London overnight.
I promptly had a panic attack.
Apparently, Hub had warned his advisor about what had happened last weekend, and that if I had a problem with him going, he wouldn't go. I felt terrible. I didn't want to say no, but I just couldn't handle the thought of him going so far away overnight. I haven't even begun to get over what happened last weekend.
I couldn't stop crying all night because of the guilt. Hub kept saying that he didn't blame me or hate me, but I couldn't stop feeling guilty. I didn't want to stand in his way, but I couldn't help feeling the way I felt. Under normal circumstances, I'll admit that I'd still have a problem with him going that far away without me, but I wouldn't have been like this.
He left at about 7 p.m. to go meet with this advisor again and to tell him what he'd decided. He was supposed to have been home at 8. But he didn't get home until 11 p.m. I sat here all night, worrying that he'd listened to me, assured me that he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to, and then went anyway. At first I wasn't all that worried... but the later he was, the more afraid I was. I hate feeling that way, but I can't just turn it off.
As it turned out, since he wasn't going to London, this advisor wanted him to go to Newcastle with his "second in command," (as Hub called him) to some conference thing. I was still a little upset about that, because that meant that I wouldn't see him at all yesterday, but it was easier to deal with than him going all the way to the other end of the country. And besides, Newcastle is only about a half an hour away. If something urgent had happened, he would have been able to get home fairly quickly.
Hub has said that he will eventually have to go away on overnights and even whole weekends, since he's accepted this internship. I'm having a real problem with that. I'm trying my best not to show it, but it's absolutely doing my head in. I want him to succeed, but I just wish that this wasn't happening all at the same time. I really need some time to get over what happened last weekend before I can even begin to think about dealing with all this, too.
The thing is, I really think that nothing is ever going to be the same ever again. I think that, over time, it can be close, but I don't think I can ever go back to being the exact same as I was before. If Hub thought I was paranoid before, then what is he going to think about me from now on?
I still feel terrible that I was the cause of him not being able to go to London with his advisor the other night. But I'm thankful that this advisor still offered him the internship. This is a way of him getting a foot in the door of his chosen field, even before he's set foot in a classroom.
I've told him that I'm nervous about all this but that I don't want to stand in his way. I want him to succeed - but I don't want to be left behind while he does. He supported me when I was working, by taking care of the children and supporting me when I would go after promotions. I want to do the same for him, but I don't want him to think that by changing that part of his life that the rest of it has to change as well. He's trading in his old "professional" life for a new model... what if he feels he has to trade in his wife for a new model as well? He said he wouldn't "leave me behind," but the problem is that I already feel like I'm being left behind! I've felt this way ever since we came here.
It's a lot to deal with, and I just wish we had the chance to deal with one thing at a time, so that we could deal with it all properly. I don't want to be in the same boat that my sister's in.
Thursday night Hub came home and informed me that after meeting with his student advisor for like an hour, he'd been offered an internship with him and the advisor wanted him to go to London overnight.
I promptly had a panic attack.
Apparently, Hub had warned his advisor about what had happened last weekend, and that if I had a problem with him going, he wouldn't go. I felt terrible. I didn't want to say no, but I just couldn't handle the thought of him going so far away overnight. I haven't even begun to get over what happened last weekend.
I couldn't stop crying all night because of the guilt. Hub kept saying that he didn't blame me or hate me, but I couldn't stop feeling guilty. I didn't want to stand in his way, but I couldn't help feeling the way I felt. Under normal circumstances, I'll admit that I'd still have a problem with him going that far away without me, but I wouldn't have been like this.
He left at about 7 p.m. to go meet with this advisor again and to tell him what he'd decided. He was supposed to have been home at 8. But he didn't get home until 11 p.m. I sat here all night, worrying that he'd listened to me, assured me that he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to, and then went anyway. At first I wasn't all that worried... but the later he was, the more afraid I was. I hate feeling that way, but I can't just turn it off.
As it turned out, since he wasn't going to London, this advisor wanted him to go to Newcastle with his "second in command," (as Hub called him) to some conference thing. I was still a little upset about that, because that meant that I wouldn't see him at all yesterday, but it was easier to deal with than him going all the way to the other end of the country. And besides, Newcastle is only about a half an hour away. If something urgent had happened, he would have been able to get home fairly quickly.
Hub has said that he will eventually have to go away on overnights and even whole weekends, since he's accepted this internship. I'm having a real problem with that. I'm trying my best not to show it, but it's absolutely doing my head in. I want him to succeed, but I just wish that this wasn't happening all at the same time. I really need some time to get over what happened last weekend before I can even begin to think about dealing with all this, too.
The thing is, I really think that nothing is ever going to be the same ever again. I think that, over time, it can be close, but I don't think I can ever go back to being the exact same as I was before. If Hub thought I was paranoid before, then what is he going to think about me from now on?
I still feel terrible that I was the cause of him not being able to go to London with his advisor the other night. But I'm thankful that this advisor still offered him the internship. This is a way of him getting a foot in the door of his chosen field, even before he's set foot in a classroom.
I've told him that I'm nervous about all this but that I don't want to stand in his way. I want him to succeed - but I don't want to be left behind while he does. He supported me when I was working, by taking care of the children and supporting me when I would go after promotions. I want to do the same for him, but I don't want him to think that by changing that part of his life that the rest of it has to change as well. He's trading in his old "professional" life for a new model... what if he feels he has to trade in his wife for a new model as well? He said he wouldn't "leave me behind," but the problem is that I already feel like I'm being left behind! I've felt this way ever since we came here.
It's a lot to deal with, and I just wish we had the chance to deal with one thing at a time, so that we could deal with it all properly. I don't want to be in the same boat that my sister's in.
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posted by nukkingphutz at 12:46 pm
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