the world turned upside down

I was right. I might have had the date wrong, but I was right. He's been cheating on me. He came home yesterday and told me himself.

Part of me can't believe it. Can't believe that he'd go and do the ONE thing he's ALWAYS sworn he'd NEVER do.

The rest of me is hurt. I can't even bring myself to be angry with him for it. All I feel is pain. And a desperation to save my marriage. I always told him that if he ever cheated on me, I'd leave him. But now that it's happened, I've realized that he and our marriage are too important for me to just give up on. Not without a fight, anyway.

I completely agree with him that there are problems in our marriage. I've been trying to talk to him about them for months. But every time I tried, he would push me away and make me feel like I was the only one with the problem. He admitted to me yesterday that he'd hoped that if he ignored it, it would go away. Wrong answer! If he'd only opened up to me and worked on the problems with me, we wouldn't be in this position.

I wrote a little note this afternoon because I didn't want to forget anything. I asked him to read it when he got home. In that note, I specifically asked to sit down with him and talk to him tonight after the kids went to bed. Now HE'S in bed and I'm out here crying my eyes out. I just don't know if he really does want this marriage to work. He says he does but that he's afraid that if it doesn't work, he'll end up hating and resenting me. All I know is that we can't put off trying to fix it even one single day. This is an emergency situation, and needs to be handled pronto.

But I don't want to put too many demands on him. I don't want to push him away further by doing that. I just don't know how to find the middle ground.

premonition revealed?

He did it again. He left the house at a little after 3 p.m. yesterday and he's still not home. I had specifically asked him to not take too long, because that's when I panic. And panic I've been. I could hardly sleep for panicking. I got a little sleep, but I was waking up every hour to call him. And every time, he had his phone switched off.

I got a text message about a half an hour ago saying "IM SRY. IM FINE, DNT WORRY. TALK 2 U LATER." Yeah, HE may be fine... but what about ME? I'm the one that's been sitting here all night going absolutely crazy. I just don't understand why he'd do this to me, especially so soon after last weekend. And he wants me to try and get OVER what happened last weekend?? How can I do that when he keeps doing things like this to me???

I seriously wonder why he did this, though. Is it a sign that our marriage is over, too? That thought is sending me into another panic attack. But I have to wonder, after all of this. Especially considering the fact that he's still not home. I would have thought he would have wanted to come home and change his clothes for this conference thingy he's supposed to be going to today. But where is he? Not here, that's for sure.

turning into a nervous wreck

I wish I could turn it off, but I am increasingly feeling more and more uneasy with this whole internship that Hub has.

I can't even explain it. It's just this uneasy, nervous feeling every time we talk about it. It's like I'm having some kind of premonition or something. Like at the end of all this, he may have a degree and a career, but we may not have a family anymore. It's all very vague, but I just can't shake it.

He's got to go away again tomorrow. He'll be in York for the day and said he'd probably be home roughly around the same time as Friday night. Which means I won't see him hardly at all. By the time he comes home and I make him dinner, it'll probably be about 9:30 p.m. And since I'm the one that has to get up at 7 a.m., I won't be able to stay up very late to spend any time with him.

I was really hoping to get some time with him before he starts classes, because I realize that once he does start, his time with me and the children is going to be very limited. Between actually going to the classes and doing his studying at home, it's almost going to be like he doesn't even live here anymore. And don't get me wrong - I understand how important this is. But I just don't want him to forget that he has a wife and children who love and need him.

The problem is, I feel I should tell him these things but I just don't know how. At least, I don't know how to tell him without making it sound like I'm trying to tell him to quit. Because that's not what I want. I just want to feel comfortable with this. I don't want to have panic attacks every time he walks out that door. That's the worst part. It's not even just the time he's going to be spending away from me and the children, it's the panic attacks. I've had them literally almost every day this week. And that's NOT including the hell we went through last weekend. I think yesterday was the only day I didn't have one, and even that was a close call. If I hadn't been able to get in touch with him yesterday, I probably would have had one!

I just can't shut off these feelings and, since this is a totally new experience for me, I don't know how to handle them.

Where's Dear Abby when you need her? lol

too much to deal with

Why do we have to deal with everything all at once? Why can't these things happen one at a time?

Thursday night Hub came home and informed me that after meeting with his student advisor for like an hour, he'd been offered an internship with him and the advisor wanted him to go to London overnight.

I promptly had a panic attack.

Apparently, Hub had warned his advisor about what had happened last weekend, and that if I had a problem with him going, he wouldn't go. I felt terrible. I didn't want to say no, but I just couldn't handle the thought of him going so far away overnight. I haven't even begun to get over what happened last weekend.

I couldn't stop crying all night because of the guilt. Hub kept saying that he didn't blame me or hate me, but I couldn't stop feeling guilty. I didn't want to stand in his way, but I couldn't help feeling the way I felt. Under normal circumstances, I'll admit that I'd still have a problem with him going that far away without me, but I wouldn't have been like this.

He left at about 7 p.m. to go meet with this advisor again and to tell him what he'd decided. He was supposed to have been home at 8. But he didn't get home until 11 p.m. I sat here all night, worrying that he'd listened to me, assured me that he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to, and then went anyway. At first I wasn't all that worried... but the later he was, the more afraid I was. I hate feeling that way, but I can't just turn it off.

As it turned out, since he wasn't going to London, this advisor wanted him to go to Newcastle with his "second in command," (as Hub called him) to some conference thing. I was still a little upset about that, because that meant that I wouldn't see him at all yesterday, but it was easier to deal with than him going all the way to the other end of the country. And besides, Newcastle is only about a half an hour away. If something urgent had happened, he would have been able to get home fairly quickly.

Hub has said that he will eventually have to go away on overnights and even whole weekends, since he's accepted this internship. I'm having a real problem with that. I'm trying my best not to show it, but it's absolutely doing my head in. I want him to succeed, but I just wish that this wasn't happening all at the same time. I really need some time to get over what happened last weekend before I can even begin to think about dealing with all this, too.

The thing is, I really think that nothing is ever going to be the same ever again. I think that, over time, it can be close, but I don't think I can ever go back to being the exact same as I was before. If Hub thought I was paranoid before, then what is he going to think about me from now on?

I still feel terrible that I was the cause of him not being able to go to London with his advisor the other night. But I'm thankful that this advisor still offered him the internship. This is a way of him getting a foot in the door of his chosen field, even before he's set foot in a classroom.

I've told him that I'm nervous about all this but that I don't want to stand in his way. I want him to succeed - but I don't want to be left behind while he does. He supported me when I was working, by taking care of the children and supporting me when I would go after promotions. I want to do the same for him, but I don't want him to think that by changing that part of his life that the rest of it has to change as well. He's trading in his old "professional" life for a new model... what if he feels he has to trade in his wife for a new model as well? He said he wouldn't "leave me behind," but the problem is that I already feel like I'm being left behind! I've felt this way ever since we came here.

It's a lot to deal with, and I just wish we had the chance to deal with one thing at a time, so that we could deal with it all properly. I don't want to be in the same boat that my sister's in.

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 66% Hardcore Junkie (61% - 80%) While you do get a bit of sleep every night and sometimes leave the house, you spend as much time as you can online. You usually have a browser, chat clients, server consoles, and your email on auto check open at all times. Phone? What's that? You plan your social events by contacting your friends online. Just be careful you don't get a repetitive wrist injury... The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Quiz Me!

whiny assed me

As glad as I am to have him home, Hub still gets on my nerves sometimes.

I think I've barely spent a half an hour in the same room with him all day. All morning he was, of course, in bed. He woke up about noonish, went to the toilet and went right back in the bedroom. I was busy with #4 child, feeding her lunch and putting her down for her nap. Then I finally decided it was time to clean the kitchen. I hadn't really cleaned it since Saturday night. Sunday and Monday I was just too drained from the hell I was going through. And then yesterday I took #4 child shopping. So today was IT. Besides, I was sick and tired of looking at that floor. It was absolutely disgusting. So I didn't see him again until I decided to try and lay down for a while. Staying up until almost 1 a.m. chatting with my sister wasn't such a good idea. But we don't get to chat all that often, and she IS 6,000 miles away!

Hub's sister came over about 2:30 - and I still hadn't gotten to sleep. So I figured fuck it and just got up. I was going to have to leave soon to pick up the kids from school. Hub sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

After we got home, he barely spent 10 minutes in the living room with us before he went and hid in the bedroom again.

He didn't come out again until about a half hour ago, after I'd drawn him a bath. (Yeah, with crayons. lol) I think he might have sat with me for 5 minutes before getting in the bath.

I am so sick and tired of doing everything around here and not getting anything in the way of appreciation for it. I'm not asking for a medal or anything. But a simple thank you would be fucking nice.

Not to mention that, more often than not, I feel more lonely than I did when I was a single mother. At least then, there was a reason for me to be alone. And to be honest, after the experience of living in a homeless shelter for nearly two years, being alone was something I relished. Putting the kids to bed and having the apartment all to myself, in peace and quiet, was wonderful. But there are times when I wish he'd just stay in the same room with me for a while. We don't have to do anything. We don't have to have long talks about this, that, or the other thing - I just want him to be there. I just want to feel like a wife. Because lately, I feel like a caretaker and nothing more. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I take care of his children and I clean his house. He does nothing. He lives his life while mine revolves around what he and the children need. What I want and need counts for nothing. At least that's the way it feels sometimes.

He did say earlier - earnestly - that he loved me. I told him honestly, "you don't act like it." And he doesn't. That's WHY the first thing I thought of when he went missing was that he'd left me for another woman. If he ACTED like he loved me more often, then maybe I wouldn't doubt him so much. I WANT to believe that he loves me. Who wouldn't? I WANT to feel secure with him and with our marriage. But the way he treats me, I just can't.

But he just doesn't seem to understand that.

ramifications

I have been thinking about the ramifications of this past weekend, since I certainly can't think about much else.

And I've made a few realizations.

When I first married Hub, I knew that I loved him but certainly never thought that I would love him as much as I had loved a few of my exes. There was one in particular that, at the time, I couldn't get out of my head even though I knew there would be no future with him. I wouldn't say that I rushed into marrying Hub, but I just never thought that any love between the two of us could be as strong as what I had felt before.

I was wrong.

Not knowing where Hub was over the weekend, and fearing the worst, made me realize just how much I really do love him. I've never doubted my love for him, but I didn't realize just how deeply it went. I never thought I'd say this, but I really don't think I can live without him. Oh, I could survive. I could go on day to day doing what I needed to do, but that would be existing, not living. There would be no life for me without him. If anything ever happened to him, a part of me would die.

Don't get me wrong - this is a good thing. But I'm just sorry that it took something this serious to make me realize just how much I love him. I had said something similar to him last year, when he had threatened to leave me because of my mother (and living with her made it only worse), but immediately after saying it, I thought I'd only said it out of desperation.

I guess not.

I've also realized that while I may trust him, I don't trust Fate. I'm going to worry every time he walks out that door without me. Thankfully he did go and buy himself a new SIM card yesterday. He warned me that he will have to turn his phone off while he's actually in class, but at least I can always leave him a message. (And I had pretty much figured he'd have to either turn it off or just not answer it in class anyway.) I was afraid for him to leave yesterday, even though I knew it was important. I didn't want to stop him going, but I did want him to realize that I was going to be a Nervous Nelly until he either phoned or came home. And of course since he didn't phone, Nervous Nelly turned into Panicked Patty.

I'm glad that I did come to these realizations, but I'm sorry that it took something this terrifying for me to reach them.



discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

will i panic forever?

I can't seem to help myself.

I last saw Hub this morning as I was walking out the door to take the children to school. Hub had to go into town to take care of some more college stuff. It's important, and I understand that. But I told him last night that I'm going to be worried every time he walks out that door that he's not going to come back. So this morning he promised me that he'd call me while he was out. He hasn't! And he's almost an hour later than he said he'd be, and I can't stop myself from panicking.

It started when I put Chloe down for her nap, because by then it had been nearly 6 hours. Surely he would have found time by then to at least find a pay phone and tell me he's okay. I laid down for a while, because I'm still not feeling myself after this weekend, and when I woke up and realized he still hadn't called, I got even more worried. By the time we got back from school and he still wasn't home, I started having a full-blown panic attack.

That was over an hour ago, and right now I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm hiding in my bedroom so the kids don't see me, but what I really want to do is scream my head off. Tear my hair out. Beat my head into the wall.

After the talk we had last night, I just can't believe he's doing this to me. I can't stop sobbing. And shaking.

blessed, blessed relief

What I thought was downright impossible actually did happen.

Hub came home today.

It was just after 1:00. I'd been going back and forth on yahoo, talking to mom and J, when I suddenly heard keys in the door. I just froze. My heart started pounding and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I thought to myself, "no way. It can't be Hub. It's got to be his sister. It's probably her lunch break." I started walking toward the door when there was a knock (I had put in the deadbolts and chains). With my blood pounding in my ears, I slid back the bolts, undid the chains, and opened the door. And there he stood: my husband, the love of my life. At first I just stood there and tried to take it in. He was home! Then, without even thinking, I just threw my arms around him and started to cry. Not just cry, but horrible, huge, gut-wrenching sobs. I'd been crying all morning as it was, but this was different. All the horrible things going through my head finally let out, all at once. I remember recognizing the fact that he looked terrible, and that he said "I'm okay."

The one thing that kind of hurt, though, was that he pushed me away from him. I thought I'd never feel his arms around me again, and he pushes me away.

So we came into the living room, me sobbing, he groaning. I sat down on the couch and simply let the sobs take me. I'd been crying for 2 days straight, but I'd tried to control it somewhat. The children were around and I didn't want them to see me completely break down. But all 3 of the older kids were in school and #3 child's nursery had offered to keep #4 child for the day because of all of this, so it was just he and I in the house.

I knew I had to make some phone calls, because there were a lot of people concerned in all this. First and foremost, of course, was the police. I called them and then Hub took the phone and explained everything himself. Then I called social services, since they had taken me home and arranged for #4 child to stay at the nursery today. Then I had to call Hub's best friend, because he and I had been back and forth on the phone for the past 2 days. Then it occurred to me that #2 child would like to know that her daddy was safe and sound, especially considering the fact that she's the only one that really understood what was going on. So I called her school and had them give her a message.

Over several conversations - because Hub is unable to tell a complete story all the way through and always has been - I think I've finally gotten the whole idea of what happened to him.

Somewhere around 2:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Hub left the club. He had switched from beer to Coke because he thought he'd had enough to drink. Anyway, he left the club and waited with some woman he used to know from college, until her taxi came. Then he started walking down the road to a taxi stand so that he could come home. On the way to the taxi stand, he started feeling dizzy. That's the last thing he clearly remembers until this morning.

He woke up in the hospital. The doctors told him that he'd been found on the beach and brought there. They also said that they'd done urine tests and they thought someone had spiked his drink with a cocktail of GHB and Rohypnol. Apparently when he first arrived at the hospital, he didn't even know who he was, let alone where he was. As the drugs wore off, his memory started to come back. The reason I was told "no" when I called the hospital and asked if he was there was that they didn't know who he was. He had left his wallet here, which I didn't know. He had put it way up on top of some boxes and I couldn't have seen it from my height. If he had taken his wallet, he would have had some identification on him, and I'm sure the hospital would have been able to find some way to contact me.

I'm still not quite alright. The after-effects of this whole situation are still with me. I find that I have to keep stopping myself from going in the bedroom and checking to make sure that he's still there. And shortly after he came home, he had to leave. He still had to go to the university for his induction day. It was very important that he go, and I understood that, but a part of me wanted to scream "no!" and not let him out of my sight, ever again.

I'm exhausted and wish I could just fall asleep right now, but I need to talk to him about this. He needs to know what *I* was going through. *I* need him to know what I was going through.

tourniquet

i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will i be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide

~© 2003 Wind-Up Records

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

utter terror

That's what I'm feeling right now. As a matter of fact, that's what I've been feeling ever since I started trying to ring Hub and found his phone was switched off.

It has now been over 29 hours since I last saw my husband - the love of my life, my sun, my moon, my sea and my stars. My life and my breath.

I called the police this afternoon and filled out a missing person's report. I've been back and forth on the phone with Paul. Nobody's seen Hub since 2 a.m., and it looks like Paul was the last one to speak to him.

It's looking more and more like I'm either a widow or a divorcee. Either way, he's left me.

#2 child asked me a few minutes ago if I had had a sad day today. I said yes, but then I began thinking about it. I honestly think I have had the saddest day of my life. Losing my grandfather wasn't as sad as this - partly because he was old, and I knew he wasn't going to last forever. But Blake's only 27, and we've only been married for 5 years. Long enough to know each other well, but it's been a short enough time that we were still able to have fun together. Just Friday night we went grocery shopping together - not exactly the most glamorous thing to do together, but we always manage to have fun, no matter what it is we're doing.

I'm sitting here on the couch, wearing his hooded sweatshirt (doused in his cologne), feeling like the weight of the world has settled upon the middle of my chest - where my heart used to be. Because honestly, my heart is gone. Whether he's left me for someone else or he's left me for another plane of existence, my heart is gone. He took it with him when he left the house. I'll never get it back.

I've thrown the deadbolt on the door so that if he is alive and well and does decide to come home tonight, I'll know about it. I also know that I can't sleep in that big bed alone. Not when I don't know where he is or if he's even alive any more.

I truly believed that when we got married, most of my adult life would be spent more happy than not. I never once believed something like this would happen to me.

I keep sitting here thinking "this can't be happening to me." "It's got to be a dream - a horrible nightmare - and I'm going to wake up soon and find him asleep in the bed next to me."

But it's not, is it? And I'm not, am I?

i've gone completely mad

I think I might have had a half an hour of sleep, if that. No matter what I tried to do, I couldn't sleep. It figures, too, because #2 was being helpful this morning and got her sisters their breakfast while I lay in bed and tried to sleep. It was just cold cereal, but still. At least that was one thing that I didn't have to do myself.

He's 12 hours late. His mobile is still switched off, nobody's at Paul's house, and he's not in the hospital or lockup. I checked. I did send Paul a text message and asked him to have Hub call me so I knew he was OK. I know our marriage is over, that much is obvious. But I need to know that he's OK. I'm going crazy thinking of all the things that might have gone on.
1) He ran off with the stripper.
2) He ran off with some other woman he met at one of the bars/clubs.
3) They all got into a bar brawl and he's in lockup (I know that didn't happen but that was one of the possibilities.)
4) They all got hit by a car crossing the road and he's in the hospital (again, he's not in SRH, but it was one of the possibilities).
5) He's simply passed out on a couch somewhere.
6) This whole stag do thing was nothing but one big lie and he's already ran off with somebody else.

I'm seriously starting to think that #6 is the most likely possibility. I can't get in touch with anybody and I'm seriously starting to panic here. I thought I was panicking before but it was nothing like this.

turn this thing off!!!

I wish I could turn my mind off. No matter what I do I can't stop thinking about what Hub might or might not be doing right now. He had said he would probably leave the "do" at midnight. Obviously that's not true, because it's almost 1 a.m.

I've been bouncing around the 'net for a while, trying in vain to turn off my brain, and the duality of life seemed to just jump up and slap me in the face. I seem to be one person in one situation, another in a different situation, and so on and so forth. And none of it is really a lie - I am all of those people all at once. But I feel as if I can't show all of me all of the time.

I'm the same way in "real" life, though. Things go through my mind that I wish I could have the courage to say or do, but something stops me. Kim told me the day after Hub and I got married that the only piece of advice she'd give me was to be a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Comparing me to his mother, Hub thinks I am a chef in the kitchen. But that other part is what I have trouble with. All these things go through my mind, things I would love to say or do to him that I know he'd just love. But something stops me.

And that's only one example. I could go on and on and on for days on end, thinking of things I wish I had the courage to do but just don't.

Hell, I haven't had the courage to tell Hayley that there's no way in hell she's ever getting Chloe on her own ever again. Of course, part of that has to do with my friendship with her mother. I don't want to say or do something to jeapordize the only friend I have in this country. It might not be much, but it's all I have. Of course, now that I'm online again I can start talking to Liz more, but I'm never going to know when I can and when I can't. And once Hub starts his classes, I won't be able to sit here in the living room and be online - which means I won't be able to be online much at all. Because there's no way in hell I'm going to leave Chloe in this room by herself. I'll come back in here and find her hanging from the ceiling or something.

I feel like I'm having one long anxiety attack, and it's driving me insane. I wish I had some booze in the house, cuz I'd just get myself drunk and not worry about anything anymore. That was one of the nice things about being home all the time when I first met hub. I was a single mother, unemployed, and living on my own. Booze was cheap enough when you knew where to shop (and believe you me, I did), so I ended up drunk every night. I was having a ball. I'd put the girls to bed, have some dinner, take a shower, boot up the puter and get myself drunk. I'd always end up in the same chat room and I would be the life of the party. I'd say and things that I wouldn't have the nerve to say when I was sober. But it was okay, because I was drunk. I had an excuse that anybody would believe.

It's just that I feel like I don't have the courage to be myself all of the time. I can be part of myself part of the time, but I can't let all of me show all of the time.

That's really pathetic, isn't it?

my virgin entry

I couldn't start a blog and not put anything in it. I'm hoping to become inspired and eventually start filling it with some poetry, and maybe some short stories, but for the time being I'll probably just randomly ramble.

Yeah, try saying that three times fast when you're drunk.

Right now I'm just sitting here trying not to think about what Hub's doing - and it's not working. He's out with his best friend at the friend's "stag do." After 5 years of marriage, this is the first time he's ever gone out to something like this. Of course, the fact that we spent our first 4 years of marriage in America had something to do with that. He didn't exactly have friends out there - although he could have if he had made more of an effort. But that's beside the point. He only rarely went out without me back then, and when he did, he was with my family, so I didn't exactly have to worry about it. But Hub's told me all the horror stories about what he and his friends used to do together, and that's why I'm worried.

And if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I'm being a little bit selfish too. I really tried not to let it show before he left, but I really didn't want him to go. I don't like the idea of him being out without me. Of course, that's a very subjective point of view, because I don't like being out without him. When we lived in America, I very rarely went out without him (I can count on one hand all the times, in 4 years, that I went out without him), and even then it was only because we couldn't get a babysitter so that we could go together. I simply find that I enjoy myself more when I'm with him than I do when I'm not.

But saying all that, my self esteem issues come into play here as well. I'm afraid that he's going to be out with his friends, lamenting his best friend's loss of freedom, seeing what he could have had if he hadn't married me, and go for it. He always tells me that the one thing he'd never do to me is cheat on me, but I still worry. Not because I don't trust him, but because I realize that he could have done so much better than me. I've constantly asked myself why he married me. I honestly don't know what he sees in me that would make him marry me in the first place, let alone stay married to me for so long. And the fact that I've asked him several times what made him fall in love with me and he can't answer me doesn't help any. If asked, I could give a long list of the reasons I fell in love with him - and why I'm still in love with him. But I've asked him before - when I was feeling especially low and needed some reassurance - and he couldn't even tell me one thing that made him fall in love with me. But he sits there and tells me that he loves me more now than he did when we first met.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a 28 year old woman who's had 4 children and looks it. I weigh the same as I did when I was in high school, and yet I look like I weigh at least 50 pounds more. I have skin that sags in places that it shouldn't - at least not yet! My hair - on a good day - sticks out in every direction at least 8 inches. My skin looks like a freaking sponge you can see the pores so badly. And that's just from the neck up. From the neck down you'd swear I was the sole surviving Freddy Kruger victim (stretch marks).

So how could anybody blame me for worrying about Hub while he's out at a "stag do?" If I were him, I'd be highly tempted by what I saw before me. I'm not naive, I know what goes on at these things. When I asked him this afternoon "So you're going to be watching half naked women all night, huh?" he said no - come on! What kind of idiot does he take me for?! I'm not a complete moron, I know that there's going to be some half naked woman somewhere. And I'm sure that he's going to be tempted by it. The problem is, does he have the inner strength to resist that temptation? I honestly don't know, because we've never been in this situation before. But I have to say that I really would rather we not find out the hard way.

Why do I find it so hard to keep secrets from my 7 year old daughter? I bought her some pencils last night that you can personalize with your name. So I was going to surprise her by doing them for her (she can't spell very well just yet). The problem is that she went into the cupboard that I have hidden them in, and I told her to get out. She wanted to know why, and I told her that I have a surprise in there for her, but I have to do something to it before I can give it to her. She's been sitting here across the table from me trying to get me to give her a hint, and I'm finding it harder and harder not to just get them out and show them to her. Is it the mother in me that wants to spoil her that's making it so hard? Because honestly, I would if I could. But with 4 kids in the house, it's damn near impossible to spoil any of them. I feel guilty sometimes, because they ask for this, that, and the other thing - sometimes even very minor things - and most of the time I have to say "no" because we just can't afford it. So sometimes something as minor as a pack of pencils can become a huge deal. Especially when it's something like this - something that can be just hers.

*sigh* That kid sure as hell can eat! She had a bowl of cereal with her sisters for dinner (apparently they were in the mood for breakfast for dinner) and now she's bugging me to make her something else to eat. So I guess I better just shut the hell up and feed her so she can shut the hell up! lol